Still Thinking. . .

It doesn't stop =/ Grreatt. I was actually doing pretty well not thinking so much about things that bring me down and what not, but today...I guess today was the exception. Which is really bad timing considering I have a paper due tomorrow.

Words I Cannot Say. Still is happening today. Words I've been afraid to express freely.

Ya know, I've always wanted to open up myself to him way back in the day [lol even though it was only two months...seems like forever and a day haha], but I always felt there wasn't an opportunity to do so. I didn't want to bombard him with all the issues going on in my head and what not. I was afraid of opening too much too soon kinda thing. It was early in the relationship.

But with that fear...made me the worst girlfriend you could possibly find. He apologized for something that I know was really hard for him to do and I never formally forgave him for it. Meaning, I did not tell him that I forgave him. I just assumed he would know. Good job Risa...you suck. Do I regret not telling him? Duh. He sent me one of the most open messages he could have possibly sent me...and I just assumed he would talk to me the next day and then I would just spill my feelings and let him know that it's alright and that I forgave him. But he didn't talk to me and I totally forgot that I didn't say "I forgive you" and basically I was a stupid retard that day. Lyrissa why are you so selfish?

I feel really....aslkfjwoiefwfsdjoieb. Not fun. Ya maybe I'm hard on myself...but really now...for good reason. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I complain a lot. I forget to do the important things. I'm insensitive. I'm selfish. I don't think enough. I mean really the list can go on and on. I'm better off as a friend. I function a whole lot better that way. Not gonna lie.

Goodness, feel so horrible. I mean ya today...he probably could care less if anything has to do with me...so you're thinking "Why care, Lyrissa? It's done and over with." I DON'T KNOW. Maybe because I actually liked someone. Ya know. . .
I had issues with opening up and letting me heart act freely and what not...and here I am finally getting myself to feel true to my feelings and shit...and well we know how it ended.

Which just pushes me back to where I used to be. Wanting to close up my heart. Build a bigass fuckin wall. Never wanting feelings to come back ever again [even though it does this shit to me every now and then lol]. Never getting married? Eh, I'm sure I can get used to that.

Well I'm sure you're thinking "Well Lyrissa...it only lasted 3 months...you should be over it by now." Well...I don't know. Yea know, after not really liking someone for so long and then in walks in this crazy, amazing guy and I'm trying to not get myself hurt and falling for him at the same time and trying to be true to myself and staying strong but letting go...I mean it just messes with my head in the craziest way possible. So I sit here...I mean the thinking has gone down a bit, but I don't know. I like him.

It has been a while and my head is clearer and well there are a few things that I kinda regret doing just because that fits into the whole like unclear mind aspect of it all. But here I am with a clearer mind, and I still can't help but have those stinkin feelings. Unfortunately I have hope within me [also on my stinkin foot...good tattoo] and it's messing with my head. Because my mind and my feelings don't exactly communicate with each other. Once again, it's the battle within myself.

Lost my train of thought with distractions which I know is good. Gotta keep hiding. [Watching old AVP tour]

Crazy About You

My mind keeps trying to live a fantasy world. I don't understand. I thought...great I'm finally over the whole fantasy life.

Blah.

I just want to be the girl a guy is lucky to have in their life. Ya know...crazy about me. But I guess that is just something that I have to live without. It's not part of my reality. I just know that it's going to be something that'll be hard to get used to.

To be the girl of his dreams. . .

Need to get rid of that. I'm soo dumb. haha. Goodness. Come on girl...get your head on straight.

I Forgot

I forgot what it was like to be in a relationship. But then I don't even know if I've ever been in a true real relationship. For the first time, this feels like it's something real. People say you do crazy things when you're in love [I know I don't love him...just to make that clear], but I don't think that's what it really is. Love should be an eye opener and not make you do crazy things. Doing the crazy things is more of a fantasy and lust. Relationships and liking someone....it's more of being able to see the person for who they are and who they're not and seriously....cutting the bullshit.

Yea, it's a nice thing to want to live love story fantasies, but honestly...it's just not real. It's not genuine if you got it from some movie or some love song. I don't wish it was me in the movies. And it's really weird because trust me...way back in the day...that was totally me. I wanted to be treated like a princess in the movies and all that shit. But I am being treated like a princess but just in his own way. He's a gentleman in his own way.

I know I can't change him. You can't change a person at all. But I just really hope that he helps me work this out. I want to work this out and I know if there's effort on both ends...it will work itself out somehow. I can't say if we're strong or not, it's still too early to tell. But I know that it's real and for now, that's what matters most to me.

Trying. . .

+ not to cry
+ keep my cool
+ take the next step
+ keep my head up high
+ surviving
+ get back my faith
+ stay strong

Words I'm Afraid To Tell Him. . .

+ I am a very insecure person
+ It's very possible for me to be a jealous girlfriend
+ I like to push people's buttons, but hate it when people do it to me
+ I'm kind of an attention whore
+ I strive for perfection in no so important areas
+ I can be very shallow
+ I worry about a lot of things
+ I worry about what people think of me a lot
+ I dont know how to open up and almost at the point of giving up
+ I like to fish for compliments
+ I have a fear of growing up
+ I can't help but want to feel like I'm better than the last girl
+ I'm afraid all I'll ever be is just sex
+ I'm scared to be alone again
+ I don't like to tell people things because I don't want to worry them
+ I wish I could believe I'm a pretty girl
+ I can get needy and demanding at times
+ I wish we both had time to talk to each other more
+ I wish I knew how to hold a conversation
+ I feel alone a lot
+ I feel like I'm insensitive
+ I think I'm a selfish person
+ I put myself down a lot
+ I like being surprised
+ I like the girly crap every once in a while
+ I hate to admit that
+ I have way too many issues

Missing. . .

+ having a home
+ my homies
+ my family
+ real free time
+ having fun
+ butterfly feelings
+ nice things
+ la nourriture
+ laughing

Useless. . .

It's what I feel like.

I don't know. I want to be there for him, but I don't know how. I never really been on this end before. Ya know...like the listener. I don't know. I knew from the beginning that maybe I'd be in that position. I just wish I knew what to do.

But then there's nothing I can really do but be there for him when he needs me. And he probably won't need me and that's totally fine. I just want to make sure he's okay. I didn't realize how much I actually cared for him.

Right now...I don't think words could really describe what's going on in my head. Words are nothing right now. . .

My Insecurities

I don't know why I let my insecurities get in the way. It's always a fight...within myself. All I want to be is perfect under those standards. I know there's no such thing as perfection but it's hard to not want to strive for perfection. I just want to do things right all the time. I know I have my flaws and everything...but I can't help but want to the girl he drools over. I can't but want to be that girl he can't stop looking at. But I don't feel like that girl. Why? Because I let my insecurities get to me.

I know what I'm doing wrong and I know what I shouldn't be thinking...but it's hard not to. He likes me for who I am and if he doesn't well then that's his loss. Why is that soo hard to believe all the time? I fit my standards. But do I fit his? Am I really what he wants? Those sacrifices are gone...what else is there to prove that I'm more than just any other girl?

I know he likes me. But I can't help it. I'm a girl. I need to be told some things every now and then. I let my insecurities get to me way too often.

I've always strived for perfection...but I already know it leads to my downfall. It makes the strong girl who I used to be turn into something that I hate being. I want to stay strong and hold onto who I am and who I want to be. I have my standards and I need to follow them. But sometimes I can't see through the crowd and I just follow it.

I want to tell him everything that's on my mind...but I can't. The insecurities get to me. And his tone in how he talks to me doesn't allow for conversation. It's hard to explain. But I'm not comfortable talking to him. I'm afraid to hear his tone. I'm afraid to hear the reaction. Reading allows me to make up what is being said. I don't have to hear the harsh reality of him not caring or him not knowing or him not understanding. I don't have to hear the awkward "yes" and "no" of a relationship. But I want that conversation. I want to be able to talk with him....not to him. But I'm afraid because I am insecure.

I hate admiting....but my insecurities get to me.

The One

He said maybe I'm the one...
Well I want to be the one
No not really the one he's with forever
But I want to be the one
The one that shows him what it is to love
No. I don't love him
But I want to be the one he grows love with
I want to share what I know
I want to be the one that shows him what love can do
Not the love
That you say just because you have a lot of feelings for
And can't stop thinking about them
The love that you live, eat, and breath
Love that cannot be defined or described
Love that overpowers the feelings and overwhelms you

I know I forget what it's like and the love isn't there
But I want to grow
Because I want to be the one he makes love to
Not the one he just goes through the motions
To satisfy the wants
But make love
To feel the love run through you
To understand the security within
To be able to make love
I want to be that one

But I'm scared I've ruined that chance