Still Thinking. . .

It doesn't stop =/ Grreatt. I was actually doing pretty well not thinking so much about things that bring me down and what not, but today...I guess today was the exception. Which is really bad timing considering I have a paper due tomorrow.

Words I Cannot Say. Still is happening today. Words I've been afraid to express freely.

Ya know, I've always wanted to open up myself to him way back in the day [lol even though it was only two months...seems like forever and a day haha], but I always felt there wasn't an opportunity to do so. I didn't want to bombard him with all the issues going on in my head and what not. I was afraid of opening too much too soon kinda thing. It was early in the relationship.

But with that fear...made me the worst girlfriend you could possibly find. He apologized for something that I know was really hard for him to do and I never formally forgave him for it. Meaning, I did not tell him that I forgave him. I just assumed he would know. Good job Risa...you suck. Do I regret not telling him? Duh. He sent me one of the most open messages he could have possibly sent me...and I just assumed he would talk to me the next day and then I would just spill my feelings and let him know that it's alright and that I forgave him. But he didn't talk to me and I totally forgot that I didn't say "I forgive you" and basically I was a stupid retard that day. Lyrissa why are you so selfish?

I feel really....aslkfjwoiefwfsdjoieb. Not fun. Ya maybe I'm hard on myself...but really now...for good reason. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I complain a lot. I forget to do the important things. I'm insensitive. I'm selfish. I don't think enough. I mean really the list can go on and on. I'm better off as a friend. I function a whole lot better that way. Not gonna lie.

Goodness, feel so horrible. I mean ya today...he probably could care less if anything has to do with me...so you're thinking "Why care, Lyrissa? It's done and over with." I DON'T KNOW. Maybe because I actually liked someone. Ya know. . .
I had issues with opening up and letting me heart act freely and what not...and here I am finally getting myself to feel true to my feelings and shit...and well we know how it ended.

Which just pushes me back to where I used to be. Wanting to close up my heart. Build a bigass fuckin wall. Never wanting feelings to come back ever again [even though it does this shit to me every now and then lol]. Never getting married? Eh, I'm sure I can get used to that.

Well I'm sure you're thinking "Well Lyrissa...it only lasted 3 months...you should be over it by now." Well...I don't know. Yea know, after not really liking someone for so long and then in walks in this crazy, amazing guy and I'm trying to not get myself hurt and falling for him at the same time and trying to be true to myself and staying strong but letting go...I mean it just messes with my head in the craziest way possible. So I sit here...I mean the thinking has gone down a bit, but I don't know. I like him.

It has been a while and my head is clearer and well there are a few things that I kinda regret doing just because that fits into the whole like unclear mind aspect of it all. But here I am with a clearer mind, and I still can't help but have those stinkin feelings. Unfortunately I have hope within me [also on my stinkin foot...good tattoo] and it's messing with my head. Because my mind and my feelings don't exactly communicate with each other. Once again, it's the battle within myself.

Lost my train of thought with distractions which I know is good. Gotta keep hiding. [Watching old AVP tour]