Just stuff I got on my mind that I can't verbalize and need to let out.

10.15.2007

My Insecurities

I don't know why I let my insecurities get in the way. It's always a fight...within myself. All I want to be is perfect under those standards. I know there's no such thing as perfection but it's hard to not want to strive for perfection. I just want to do things right all the time. I know I have my flaws and everything...but I can't help but want to the girl he drools over. I can't but want to be that girl he can't stop looking at. But I don't feel like that girl. Why? Because I let my insecurities get to me.

I know what I'm doing wrong and I know what I shouldn't be thinking...but it's hard not to. He likes me for who I am and if he doesn't well then that's his loss. Why is that soo hard to believe all the time? I fit my standards. But do I fit his? Am I really what he wants? Those sacrifices are gone...what else is there to prove that I'm more than just any other girl?

I know he likes me. But I can't help it. I'm a girl. I need to be told some things every now and then. I let my insecurities get to me way too often.

I've always strived for perfection...but I already know it leads to my downfall. It makes the strong girl who I used to be turn into something that I hate being. I want to stay strong and hold onto who I am and who I want to be. I have my standards and I need to follow them. But sometimes I can't see through the crowd and I just follow it.

I want to tell him everything that's on my mind...but I can't. The insecurities get to me. And his tone in how he talks to me doesn't allow for conversation. It's hard to explain. But I'm not comfortable talking to him. I'm afraid to hear his tone. I'm afraid to hear the reaction. Reading allows me to make up what is being said. I don't have to hear the harsh reality of him not caring or him not knowing or him not understanding. I don't have to hear the awkward "yes" and "no" of a relationship. But I want that conversation. I want to be able to talk with him....not to him. But I'm afraid because I am insecure.

I hate admiting....but my insecurities get to me.

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