I Forgot

I forgot what it was like to be in a relationship. But then I don't even know if I've ever been in a true real relationship. For the first time, this feels like it's something real. People say you do crazy things when you're in love [I know I don't love him...just to make that clear], but I don't think that's what it really is. Love should be an eye opener and not make you do crazy things. Doing the crazy things is more of a fantasy and lust. Relationships and liking someone....it's more of being able to see the person for who they are and who they're not and seriously....cutting the bullshit.

Yea, it's a nice thing to want to live love story fantasies, but honestly...it's just not real. It's not genuine if you got it from some movie or some love song. I don't wish it was me in the movies. And it's really weird because trust me...way back in the day...that was totally me. I wanted to be treated like a princess in the movies and all that shit. But I am being treated like a princess but just in his own way. He's a gentleman in his own way.

I know I can't change him. You can't change a person at all. But I just really hope that he helps me work this out. I want to work this out and I know if there's effort on both ends...it will work itself out somehow. I can't say if we're strong or not, it's still too early to tell. But I know that it's real and for now, that's what matters most to me.

Trying. . .

+ not to cry
+ keep my cool
+ take the next step
+ keep my head up high
+ surviving
+ get back my faith
+ stay strong

Words I'm Afraid To Tell Him. . .

+ I am a very insecure person
+ It's very possible for me to be a jealous girlfriend
+ I like to push people's buttons, but hate it when people do it to me
+ I'm kind of an attention whore
+ I strive for perfection in no so important areas
+ I can be very shallow
+ I worry about a lot of things
+ I worry about what people think of me a lot
+ I dont know how to open up and almost at the point of giving up
+ I like to fish for compliments
+ I have a fear of growing up
+ I can't help but want to feel like I'm better than the last girl
+ I'm afraid all I'll ever be is just sex
+ I'm scared to be alone again
+ I don't like to tell people things because I don't want to worry them
+ I wish I could believe I'm a pretty girl
+ I can get needy and demanding at times
+ I wish we both had time to talk to each other more
+ I wish I knew how to hold a conversation
+ I feel alone a lot
+ I feel like I'm insensitive
+ I think I'm a selfish person
+ I put myself down a lot
+ I like being surprised
+ I like the girly crap every once in a while
+ I hate to admit that
+ I have way too many issues

Missing. . .

+ having a home
+ my homies
+ my family
+ real free time
+ having fun
+ butterfly feelings
+ nice things
+ la nourriture
+ laughing

Useless. . .

It's what I feel like.

I don't know. I want to be there for him, but I don't know how. I never really been on this end before. Ya know...like the listener. I don't know. I knew from the beginning that maybe I'd be in that position. I just wish I knew what to do.

But then there's nothing I can really do but be there for him when he needs me. And he probably won't need me and that's totally fine. I just want to make sure he's okay. I didn't realize how much I actually cared for him.

Right now...I don't think words could really describe what's going on in my head. Words are nothing right now. . .

My Insecurities

I don't know why I let my insecurities get in the way. It's always a fight...within myself. All I want to be is perfect under those standards. I know there's no such thing as perfection but it's hard to not want to strive for perfection. I just want to do things right all the time. I know I have my flaws and everything...but I can't help but want to the girl he drools over. I can't but want to be that girl he can't stop looking at. But I don't feel like that girl. Why? Because I let my insecurities get to me.

I know what I'm doing wrong and I know what I shouldn't be thinking...but it's hard not to. He likes me for who I am and if he doesn't well then that's his loss. Why is that soo hard to believe all the time? I fit my standards. But do I fit his? Am I really what he wants? Those sacrifices are gone...what else is there to prove that I'm more than just any other girl?

I know he likes me. But I can't help it. I'm a girl. I need to be told some things every now and then. I let my insecurities get to me way too often.

I've always strived for perfection...but I already know it leads to my downfall. It makes the strong girl who I used to be turn into something that I hate being. I want to stay strong and hold onto who I am and who I want to be. I have my standards and I need to follow them. But sometimes I can't see through the crowd and I just follow it.

I want to tell him everything that's on my mind...but I can't. The insecurities get to me. And his tone in how he talks to me doesn't allow for conversation. It's hard to explain. But I'm not comfortable talking to him. I'm afraid to hear his tone. I'm afraid to hear the reaction. Reading allows me to make up what is being said. I don't have to hear the harsh reality of him not caring or him not knowing or him not understanding. I don't have to hear the awkward "yes" and "no" of a relationship. But I want that conversation. I want to be able to talk with him....not to him. But I'm afraid because I am insecure.

I hate admiting....but my insecurities get to me.

The One

He said maybe I'm the one...
Well I want to be the one
No not really the one he's with forever
But I want to be the one
The one that shows him what it is to love
No. I don't love him
But I want to be the one he grows love with
I want to share what I know
I want to be the one that shows him what love can do
Not the love
That you say just because you have a lot of feelings for
And can't stop thinking about them
The love that you live, eat, and breath
Love that cannot be defined or described
Love that overpowers the feelings and overwhelms you

I know I forget what it's like and the love isn't there
But I want to grow
Because I want to be the one he makes love to
Not the one he just goes through the motions
To satisfy the wants
But make love
To feel the love run through you
To understand the security within
To be able to make love
I want to be that one

But I'm scared I've ruined that chance